Why I’m Happy to Not Be in My Twenties and Dating Again!

This is a don’t ask, don’t tell relationship right now.

Being a woman in my forties, I’ve certainly been through the trenches of dating warfare.  And I’m proud to now be at a place, where I am confident making decisions about my life, and specifically with dating. I’m comfortable because I’ve had the experiences; negative and positive, which have afforded me with wisdom. Instead of looking for my knight in shining armor, I now consider, experience and my brains to be my knights in shining armor.

Speaking  about new dating experiences; I was chatting the other day with one of my co-workers.  She is newly divorced, still in her 20’s, and I can sense the self-consciousness coming from the doubts she is having about a new man.  It was like looking in a mirror of me when I was in my twenties.  I definitely don’t come from the perspective that I want a man to be my knight and shining armor to come and save me from this mundane life of mine, which was a different perspective that I had when I was in my twenties. I really did want to find that guy, get married, stay at home with my kids and live happily ever after.  God, the universe, my selfish desires, we all had other plans though.

She’s been heavily flirting via email and text, with a former co-worker from her past.  She worked with him a few years ago, she knew he was married and had two kids, but was hoping he was single at this time.  She reached out to him to say hi and ever since he’s been texting her and had even asked her out to a dinner date, which he cancelled last minute (red flag #1).  Oprah taught me this: People show you who they are the first time. This guy is cancelling a first date and that is not a good sign. She assumed he may have gotten a divorce, but neither he nor she, has said anything about marriage or divorce. (Red flag #2) Not asking specific questions so you know the whole truth about someone you are interested in right away.  This should have come up in the first conversation.  She hasn’t asked, and he hasn’t given up anything about his wife or his marriage. They have been in a frenzy of texting the last week and living in ambiguity.  She told me he texts her constantly at all times, and so this must mean he is single. She is hoping their marriage is dead, and of course she loves the attention.  One day, he shows up at our office, unannounced to surprise her, and she sees that he’s wearing his wedding ring.  He continues flirting with her, giving her attention, and said he came to the office because he wanted to make sure she put her new license plates on her car so she wouldn’t forget.  Clearly, something a very interested suitor would do.  This is great, if he was sincere.  Everyone else in the office, but my co-worker can see this.

When he’s gone we ask her, “Did he say anything about the marriage????”  She said no, because she still hasn’t asked.

This is a don’t ask, don’t tell relationship right now.

He then tells her that they will go out to dinner soon.  (Red Flag #3) He’s giving her hope, but not asking her out with a specific time and date.  She is now saying, well if,  we go out, then I will ask him about the ring, because right now, everything he’s done so far I can chalk up to friendship. (Red Flag #4) trying to convince yourself of an idea, not living in reality.

Our whole office, which consists of women urge her to ask him about the wedding ring and how things are going with his wife.    She is wavering and smiling at us because she feels awkward asking something so personal to him. Women do this all the time.  Sacrifice our own dignity for a man that isn’t worth it.

We shower her with women empowerment messages, “Put him on the hot seat, because he should be the one feeling awkward.  He should be embarrassed because if he is married he shouldn’t be acting like he’s single.”

She finally, decides to ask him.

He answers with a proud, “Yes, I’ve been married for 7 years, 5 months, 25 days, 6 hours, and 24 minutes, why?” (Like he’s so in love he records every minute)

He then assumes the position of, “OMG, have I led you down the wrong path?  I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you fall for me.”  He didn’t actually say those exact words, but that’s what he meant.

She texts him with a, “Wow, If I’d known you were married I wouldn’t be texting and talking with you so much.”

He answered “I thought we were going to be besties?”

She just text him back with a “Bye!”

I said to her, “Don’t you feel powerful now, that you know the truth?”  She just said she felt sad.  And I know that pain. The pain of believing everyone is supposed to be honest and good, and your hopes just fall to the floor.  But wouldn’t you hate to be that guy’s wife?

By getting to the truth, she just saved herself from a rotten person, and she is just that much closer to finding the right guy out there for her, and she will, because she is an awesome person and any guy would be lucky to have her.

What I now know: when dating, get to the truth by asking questions, lots of them.  Listening to your instincts will help you figure out the red flags. There is no point with wasting your time with someone who doesn’t give you the right answers in the beginning.

Funny, how dating when you’re young can be such a fools paradise…..It’s great in a lot of ways, because you want to believe in a fantasy, but I like where I am now, with my feet on the ground and my knight and shining armor of brains and experience, protecting me and keeping me safe and sound.

Do you have a similar story of a time when you never asked the right questions of someone you were dating?

Mamma’s and Bullies (Throwback Thursday; things to do or not)

You may think this was politically incorrect of me to do.


I was remembering about a time when Piper was in Kindergarten and First Grade and she was experiencing bullying.  Piper didn’t know it was bullying at the time, but she did tell me there was a girl in her class that punches her in the stomach when they are playing.  It was hard to figure out for Piper, because at other times they were friends.  But from time to time the girl would put her fist into Piper’s stomach and twist it hard.  I knew who the girl was and I knew her mother and father just from small talk at school.  By my assessments, I wasn’t surprised the girl was doing this.

I took the initial steps of contacting the school with the information, since they didn’t know it was going on.  I waited for the parent to contact me, but the next time I saw her, it was small talk as usual.  The school may have told her, but kept , who reported it private.

Piper told me it was still going on.  I debated on talking with the parent face to face about it.  I wasn’t sure where it would go, would she believe me, would it change things?

One day I was picking up Piper from her after school program and all the kids were in the hallway.  I decided to take things into my own hands. I grabbed the opportunity to handle this problem mommy stealth style.

The girl was there and I bent down to her level and I said, very quietly yet, sternly, with eyebrows knitted together, “Girl, I need you to stop putting your hands on Piper!”  “Do not punch her in the stomach, do not pick her up, and do not lay one more hand on her!  Do you understand me?”  She looked up at me with wide doe eyes and shook her head yes.

I never had another problem again with her.  You may think this was politically incorrect of me to do.  But, I followed my instincts and it turned out perfectly.  Every now and then, you have to handle things old school and your intuition and instincts usually are right on!

Have you ever had to handle a bullying situation in your own way?  What went right, what went wrong?


What Do Single Moms Want?

Yes, there are a lot of great guys out there!

Not to be single anymore, right!  Most people want to be in a loving relationship. Feeling rejected is mankind’s biggest fear.  I get that 100%!  I feel better when I am a part of a community, a group of friends who love me and get me.   I feel great when I’m in a thriving relationship.  But, in the meantime when we find ourselves currently not a part of a loving relationship, that is when we have to take care of ourselves and make sure that we do the activities, hobbies,(yuck, I hate that word) steps, that make us happy and whole, to attract the next guy, girlfriend, job, or whatever we want. We should be able to be happy where we are right now.

Life is about transforming from where you are now, into something bigger and better.

Force your self to do something that scares you.  Join a group, or club. Smile at people. (this was hard for me to do), Go on line to find a date, and be of service to others.

Be good to your self.  Smile at your self in the mirror. (Just do it, no one can see you) Thank God for the things you have and thank God for the things you want.  Live your life as if you already have those things. Make a list of what you want.  Create a vision board.

Yes, there are a lot of decent guys out there!  Stop saying things like, all the good guys are married, all the guys on line are weird.  You are single, and you are great, there are guys who are your equal, who are looking for love, I’ve met lots of  great guys on line (and have just recently been dating a great one),  and if you need help with this, email me because I know how to weed out the losers, and attract the perfectly suited one for you!

Think Abundance. Say this everyday, “There are lots of great guys out there, and I’m going to meet one.” Don’t hate where you are right now, embrace it and have fun.

Let me know how it works!!

“Everything is rigged in our favor.”-Rumi

Be Clear With What You Want

I emailed, him explaining why she won’t be with him this weekend, and then I ended it with a request.

Don’t give up on asking for what you want!

My daughter is sick, she has a fever, she’s throwing up and she’s is supposed to go to her dad’s for the weekend.  When he texts her to confirm,  she tells him she wants to stay with me because she is sick.  I mean who doesn’t want to be with their mommy, or the one who has been the nurturer, when they are  sick and need some TLC?  His response to her when she tells him she is sick and won’t be going, is “Boo”.  I don’t know maybe that is his way of saying, “Wow, Piper, that sucks that I’m not going to be able to see you.”  I can’t begin to understand what goes on in his head, but once again I feel the mamma bear coming out and needing to defend my daughter.

I just wish he would treat her like the princess she is.  But, I long ago gave up on that idea. It is, what it is, and trying to change him, by asking him for what I want usually would not go my way, and I’d end up in a tears from the frustration.

You can’t change anyone.  but I’ll be damned if I’m going to idly stand by and let him treat my daughter with the same indifference he treated me with.

I emailed, him explaining why she won’t be with him this weekend, and then I ended it with a request.  I wrote, “It would be nice if you had some kind words for Piper like, ‘I hope you feel better.’, or ‘I miss and love you.'”

He’s not a stranger to expressing his love for her, but lately, since she’s turned into a snarky teen, it seems like he’s forgotten that she still needs to hear those words and she still needs to know and feel his love for her.

I’m glad to report that the next day, he expressed his concern and love for her.  She, on the other hand didn’t want to respond, because she was mad at him.

Oy vey!!

I was pleasantly surprised, and glad I asked and he listened.

Teens Don’t Need Us Anymore, Really!

Technology, supports their drive to grow up as fast as possible.

Are teens evolving to not need their parents at an even younger age?  I was talking with a friend the other day and he told me his son wanted to go to the movies with a friend and they asked if they could use Uber since he wasn’t available to take them himself.  He said sure and thought it was a great idea.  It got me to thinking about how technology has made life so easy for everyone that teens would not need their parents theoretically.

They could order food via delivery,  they know how to use a microwave and some are learning how to be child chefs, by watching cooking shows. They know and understand how to buy items from their phone……just need the parent’s cc info.  They could go anywhere with Uber. Oh How I wish I had a smart phone when my car broke down so many times as a teen.  Piper is learning how to buy and sell merchandise on the web.  She can learn how to fix anything on the web.

Technology, supports their drive to grow up as fast as possible.

Piper said something wise to me a few years ago.  She said, “young people want to get to sixteen and old people wish they were sixteen.”

What’s a parent to do?  Connect and be involved with what your teen is doing via their smart phone. Make sure they earn any money they get so they can appreciate and value money.  Also, continue to be a great role model.  They still watch your every move too! Appreciate the fact that teens are more self sufficient then ever and it can be a good thing.